Wherein I Read People Magazine and Like It

I like to run. I realize I am running against thousands of years of genetics adapted for sitting on frozen rocks, but nevertheless.

A strange pain in my foot has kept me from it for the past several months. I blamed it on my shoes. I blamed it on the weather. I blamed it on whatever racial, religious or sexual minority I could think of. Yet even after the Lord delivered an electoral bitchslap to the Gay Agenda and our moral values have been reaffirmed, my foot still hurt. So last week I made an appointment with the doctor.

Yesterday I found my way to the office, checked in and had a seat. I made the mistake of taking my eyes away from my magazine and looking around: a scene, man. Patients looked like lumpen recapitulations of 20th century humanitarian catastrophes. Hiroshima over there signs herself in. Here comes the Halabja massacre in a muumuu. The gassy Indian woman sitting--mercifully--across the room? The Bhopal explosion.

The receptionist called me over. "It appears you are in the wrong office." Fucking right I am. "You want the orthopedist on this street but down one block."

Ah. This was better. I checked in again and tucked into the office copy of Vanity Fair. Good things: there was a great article by AA Gill and it also seems that Hitch is back from his neocon dirty weekend.

I was at the wrong place before. There all I had to choose from was a copy of Ladies Home Journal (cover story--an interview with George and Laura Bush! Aww.) and a stale copy of People. I chose People. The feature story was on Oprah's 50th birthday party "event." But truthfully the article was really
really
really
good.

The doctor called me back. Within the minute I had a diagnosis: "Plantar Fasciitis." I like that dipthong. It occurs when the ligament between the ball of the foot and heel becomes strained. Especially in people who 1) run and 2) have abnormally high arches. That's basically the autobiography of my feet.

He gave me some instructions on how to tape my feet and ankles. Very butch. He also gave me some physical therapy exercizes to do.

"Resisted dorsiflexion."
The "Plantar fascia stretch."
And the "frozen can roll."

Hot, right?